Funny how things change.
Continuing from that last post. Being able to see Iron Maiden/Rush/Pink Floyd/Led Zeppelin/The Beatles/Queen/The Rolling Stones would be outstanding. There’s no band in recent memory that would be worth 1/10 as much as those bands would be worth seeing.
I’m just going to let it all pour out. Maybe venting to my followers will provide me some form of relief, as it seems anything like that has become borderline extinct to me.
I don’t want to start this off by sounding cynical, but damn it do people suck. For the last year plus, it’s all been on me. I take the blame. In every situation with every person. If I wanted to be dramatic, I’d compare myself to a martyr. Except I’m bastardized instead of put to death. Everyone seems to be under the impression that I just do what I do because I do. That it’s expected of me. It’s expected of me to blow most of the money I get on friends who don’t make as much as I do. It’s expected of me to drive 20-50 minutes every week multiple times if I want to see anybody. It’s expected of me to give and give and give until I feel tapped. But I feel most people didn’t read the book the Giving Tree as a child. That book has been constantly interpreted by many people, and I suppose this post can accomplish the same feat. Are those around me who expect me to do these things the selfish ones? Am I the selfish one for doing these things for those people and not expecting to receive in return? Does any of it even matter? Am I comparing my life to a children’s book? Yes. Because I think if you could ask that tree how it felt about what it did, we’d all be a little bit more enlightened. How did the tree feel? How does it feel to give and give and give and ask for little in return?
This isn’t me trying to say no one does anything for me to receive what I give. I’ve had some great friends who have helped me out a lot, both recently and in the past. But I’m the one getting the blame now. After a year plus of giving all that I had to keep everyone in my life as happy with me as possible, when I can’t do it, I’m the bad guy. My car doesn’t work, I don’t have money, I sit in my house almost all day most days except when Daniel or Ryan come and get me. I’m glad that they do. They save me from these thoughts for a few hours. It’s a welcome salvation but a band aid doesn’t fix a laceration.
But I’m not bitter that I’ve given so much to everyone. That’s not the point of this post, I just got sidetracked. It’s that those people around me, instead of wondering why it is I’ve become more reclusive, more visibly unhappy, they don’t want to ask. They want to make assumptions. Zakk isn’t talking to us? Let’s talk to him like a child and assume he’s playing WoW! Let’s not ask ourselves what’s actually going on because the WoW thing sounds better! Zakk isn’t talking to us? Let’s talk amongst ourselves about how he’s changed. Let’s all gossip about it. Let’s not ask ourselves if he’s okay. If he needs someone to talk to. Let’s give him shit and be callous and uncaring as to what the real issue is. I love you all, I do, but god damn it give me a break every once in a while. I know you think it’s okay to tease me whenever and that’s fine, I can dish it as well as I can take it, but there’s a time and place for everything and this isn’t the time or place. I don’t talk to you all, I don’t let anyone in, because you have done nothing to make it seem like you want to hear it. Do you know how fucking annoying it is that everytime I try to talk to someone I hear “Are you on the WoW again?” Because of some stupid bullshit that got started as an excuse to ignore someone who’s clearly not in their right state of mind? I know that’s your all’s nature, that’s just the way you all function, but there are bigger things everyone should concern themselves with. But allow me to go into more detail. So if you all read this, here you go. I’ll answer the questions you don’t care to ask.
August 20, 2012. This should be such a happy day for me, right? 2 years with my girlfriend. Starting college. Starting work. A day after I turn 20. A big achievement all around. But it’s tainted. It’s a bitter lie to me. I don’t want to work. I don’t want my teenage years to be gone. I don’t want to be 20. I don’t want to be so consumed with school and work that I can’t do anything. I don’t want my girlfriend to leave. I don’t want her to tell me how wrong it is to her that I’m not enthusiastic about it. I don’t want my life to turn upside down. I don’t want every aspect of everything I know to start anew. And it’s going to. One of my best friends is moving away. My girlfriend, the girl I’ve completely fallen in love with is moving away. I’m going to be so busy I don’t know how I’ll see either of them often. I feel like everyone is on this set path and I’m not. I’m stuck in this rut while everyone is trying to advance themselves past me. I feel extremely lost. Extremely sick, all the time. When I sleep, I don’t want to wake up. When I’m awake, I don’t want to sleep because my dreams taunt me. When I’m trying to fall asleep, a million thoughts hit me like a freight train and send me reeling. When I wake up every morning, I’m left with the bittersweet knowledge that I’m a day closer to my life’s first real revolution.
It’s kind of funny. When someone is giving one of her friends shit, she asks “Why doesn’t anyone stop to consider (insert friends names feelings)?”. When people are giving me shit, she joins in. I can’t be bitter about it. I won’t let myself. But it hurts so much. That’s what all of you are accomplishing. You’re hurting me. You’re all making this process worse on me. I don’t blame you, I’m not mad at anyone or anything. I’m just so sad. I’m so very sad. I’m so tired. I’m so scared. I’m the nervous child I was going into Kindergarten. Clinging to everyone around me, begging them not to leave me to face this on my own. Bawling my eyes out because I’m mentally unable to understand or prepare myself for this new step. I tell people I’m scared, and they tell me I have no reason to be. But no one ever expands on it. How can you tell me my fear isn’t justifiable? What do you really know of my situation? Why don’t you ask? Why don’t you want to know more? How are you so comfortable in that I’ll be fine that you don’t even need to know what’s going through my head to tell me so? Why am I expected to believe it?
I’m becoming redundant. I’m asking why? Why? Why? In a completely rhetorical sense, because if you all have answers, I know I won’t hear them. You’ll save them for others ears, if this post even reaches your eyes. That’s fine. No one wants to be a passenger in the train wreck, but the explosions are a sight to behold. But all I can ask, is that if you all want to really try to understand, if you all really want to be the friends you seem to think you’re being by scolding me like a child with his hand on the cookie jar, why don’t you ask? Why don’t you try to provide comfort instead of passing judgement? Why am I told what a terrible person I am? Why am I told how unhappy everyone is with me? Why am I told how much I’ve changed? What does anyone know about it?
There was no point in this post. If it’s seen, I don’t think it will be heard. I doubt even more it will be addressed. And if it is addressed, it will be in a biting, sarcastic remark about how I need to man up, or how everyone has problems, and I’ve come to expect no more or no less. I just thought everyone should hear my side of things, even if it makes no difference. Thank you if you’re reading this sentence. Because that means you’ve read my post, because either you care, it was a good read, or because you thought it was hilarious, and no matter why the reason, it means so much to me. So thank you.
I feel so stereotypical saying this.. But music from the 60s/70s/80s will always be better than today’s music.
